2011 NFL DRAFT FIRST ROUND RE-CAP
I have always been a fan of the time-stamp article. I appreciate how the first thought has to be put to paper and then the writer gets a quick edit and they are done. Last year’s article that was written was one of the most-viewed parts of the web site. So, here goes with the 2011 version:
Pre-Draft- We get Jon Gruden, Mel Kiper and Chris Berman this year on ESPN. I am not sure if ESPN realizes that most of us just started to constrict circulation in our necks.
One pre-draft rumor is that Bob Batterman was in charge of the MapQuest directions for the owners to get to their respective offices, but the directions he gave led them into a terrible part of town and the limos had already driven away. Many owners have tried to call the league office and have said that they feel “cold” and “scared.” They are nowhere close to where they thought they would be. No comment on whether Batterman just hates sports with collisions.
Roger Goodell is in the building. He is getting booed, but let us give him some credit; he could have stuck with original plan. He was going to leave the country to promote the league in London but did not have a ticket to the Royal Wedding.
8:01pm-Obligatory Mel Kiper hair joke here. We are sure of three things tonight: bad nicknames from Berman, Gruden is going to love some players and Kiper will somehow have more hair by the end of the broadcast. Other than that, this draft should prove that we do not know anything, or at least as much as the Bills.
8:02pm- Adam Shefter is trying to clarify the legal issues going on right now. 85% of the fans ate a wing, belched and asked why Berman’s hair does not look like it is from a human head. Let your mind wonder.
8:04pm- Goodell somehow turns boos into mild cheers within three seconds. He needs to be in the classroom of every high school in the country.
8:05pm- Cam Newton is picked. The Panthers were impressed that he could count to a number as high as 36. They will teach him the offense with their version of Rosetta Stone. They hope it works. Jon Gruden listed 8 different things he has to adjust to in the NFL. Other than that, he is a polished QB. Also, the Panthers don’t select until the 3rd round now.
8:13pm- Ed Werder looks lost not being camped out at Brett Favre’s house. I hope he has learned to feed himself.
8:14pm- Denver selects Von Miller from Teas A&M. It’s a solid pick. Miller sort of looks like a bulked-up version of Steve Urkel’s alter-ego.
8:20pm- Marcell Dareus is the selection by the Buffalo Bills. The draft is following the theme of the last minute rumors. I guess the Bills’ new policy is to pick players that will actually help their team. Good for them. I am glad they did not draft a quarterback….. yet.
8:24pm- The Bengals select AJ Green. Can we get to picks we can make fun of yet? Oakland does not pick tonight. I need something. I will say this: He will be better than Peter Warrick. Plus, everyone on the team can leave their shoes out in the open.
8:29pm- Cardinals select Patrick Peterson. Honestly, I am just happy that our mock draft has been really good so far. He will probably end up with more sacks in his career than Andre Wadsworth. It is unfortunate that we will not see many returns from him since the NFL hates kick returners.
8:32pm-Falcons trade up. Everything is up in the air now. They take Julio Jones. He is fast, has some inconsistency with his hands and is tall. Those attributes describe current #2 receiver Michael Jenkins if he was fast.
8:38pm-The trade and the pick is official. The Falcons traded two first rounders, a second rounder and two 4th rounders. Mike Holmgren is very happy right now. Things really are looking up for Browns fans. There must be a meteor heading for the planet. This trade just may be looked back on in the future.
8:43pm-The Niners select Aldon Smith. I guess they really wanted two DEs from Missouri named Smith. This seems high for him, but who can question a team that once gave Nate Clements $50+ Million?
8:45pm-The Titans are up and select Jake Locker. We were exactly right in their thinking. I guess when you have an inaccurate quarterback long enough, you start thinking it is normal to have that. They only took him about a round too high. Gruden called himself a Locker Stalker. What does that mean? He kills coeds AND stalks their boyfriends? Does ESPN have this on tape?
8:52pm-Blaine Gabbert looks just as shocked as everyone else.
8:54pm-The Cowboys select Tyron Smith to replace Marc Columbo. The podcast is back on the board. Plus, it is official that everyone named Smith will be picked in the first round. Judge Susan Nelson told the NFL teams that they had to.
9:00pm- The Jags trade up to take Blaine Gabbert. They are looking to the future and have made a smart pick here. He’s going to be really good at throwing screens to MJD. They will put in another QB when they have to throw downfield.
9:07pm- JJ Watt is taken to help a horrible defense in Houston. If Houston had taken offense with this pick, Wade threatened to eat an entire pig in the draft room. Chris Berman gives us a useless fact about Troy Vincent. At least he did not give Watt an obvious nickname. Of course, it took 8 cattle prods to prevent it.
9:16pm- Vikings select Christain Ponder. No one knows what to do with this. Kiper almost threw his hair. This draft has more mediocre talent at QB than the Arena League. The woman QB from the Philly LFL team has a stronger arm.
9:23pm- The Lions select the lead singer from The Commodores…uh, no, that’s Nick Fairley. The Lions are now better than the Vikings. It is official. Suh and Fairley already betting on who gets to hurt Ponder first.
9:28pm- Robert Quinn is the pick for the Rams. The kid he was holding in the draft room kind of looked like Mr. T. The Rams are slowly becoming a football team again. Adam Carolla’s beer gut is pissed.
9:34pm- Trending on Twitter right now: #ChristainEffingPonder?
9:35pm- Miami selects Mike Pouncey. He is the best guard in the draft, but yet this is only about the 5th worst selection so far. The Jets fans are chanting about how much Miami sucks. Every Jets fan thinks it is okay to act like Rex Ryan. Several were turned away at the door of the draft for trying to lick feet.
9:41pm- Ryan Kerrigan is the selection. We had him slotted perfectly at 16 on the podcast. So what if he does not fit the system? At least they know he will not use the chest of a waitress as a credit card machine. We hear that Shanahan wanted to pick Scott Tolzien, but Snyder gave him the wrong room number to the draft room.
9:49pm- The Patriots select Nate Solder. Boston is actually angry that the hometown boy was not taken. One fan was getting out of line and then was air-choked from a distance by Belichick. The fans fell back in line quickly. They are now bowing to his name again and there was just 4,592,902 pink Solder jerseys sold online.
9:53pm- Berman’s first really bad nickname was just said. There must have been a large bonus in it for him to hold out that long. For the record: He said that Liuget is legit. He is picked by the Chargers. Gruden says that 300 lbs. is “not a big human being.” Some sort of American Dietary Council is on the phone for Gruden.
10:01pm- There are fans face-painting at the draft. This is clearly against the rules of fandom. Just for fun, they should have had one fall over the railing onto a pad we could not see. Maybe the fans would stop booing the Commissioner.
10:03pm- The Giants pick Prince Amukamara from Nebraska. That bonus must have been wired already and the bad jokes are flying. Berman made a reference to the impending Royal Wedding. If Steve Young was here still, he would have given himself another concussion. ESPN made a smart move with the three-man stage this year. Gruden is busy ripping the pick and telling us that Prince is no Ronde Barber.
10:09pm- We can’t help but giggle every time Christain Ponder’s name scrolls across on the screen.
10:11pm-Adrain Clayborn is selected by the Bucs. His nickname is “light switch.” Everyone in the world is happy that he was not selected right after JJ Watt. Although, it is possible that Berman’s head would have exploded with so much obvious-ness lurking.
10:18pm- The Browns select Phil Taylor from Baylor and trade back up to do it. The Browns managed to both make the best and worst trade of the round. Hack is near suicidal. I think it is a good pick as long as he loses 40 lbs and becomes faster and the bones of his feet stop growing together. There is nothing like the selection of 3-4 DT to play in a 4-3 to make Hack want to injure people. Peyton Hillis is making the selection for the Browns. Last year a special pick came from a kid from Make-A-Wish. This year, the marketing route was used since everyone hates the management of the league right now.
10:26pm- Anthony Costanzo is selected by the Colts. With the league year up in the air right now, Goodell decided that it was necessary to keep Payton Manning healthy. Costanzo’s reaction is the most excited we have seen anyone so far. Amazingly, Manning had the exact same reaction and then filmed a commercial to pay the bills. He also wrote some 25% loans to other players in need. Manning is a giver.
10:31pm- Goodell brings American service personnel on the stage with him. He will do anything at this point to not get booed. The next segment will show him helping an old lady cross and the road and he will next be escorted by Chuck Norris on the stage. Anyway, I am into it. USA! USA! USA!
10:35pm- The Eagles select Danny Watkins. Eh. Watkins thinks the only thing he would change in his life that he has never been to jail. See, he differs from Vick on this opinion. I hope it does not lead to future problems. His opinion is weird since Watkins looks exactly like I picture a Mountie.
10:39pm- Kiper is the least annoying guy on the panel. We are impressed by his Jerry Lewis Jet Black Just For Men. It is still not as shocking as the Christain Ponder pick. Gruden says that the Saints may be looking for a CB. He forgets about Malcolm Jenkins and Patrick Robinson, I guess.
10:41pm- The Saints select Cameron Jordan. The selection of average quarterbacks early has allowed for value picks late in the round. Berman plugged Steve Jordan so he could mention his Alma Mater. I guess when a guy only works five days per year; he has plenty of time to prepare.
10:50pm- The Seahawks are waiting forever to announce the pick. They select James Carpenter. That was only about two rounds too early. Arnold Schwarzeneggar will cover himself in mud and stay low to make sure he is safe from when Carpenter’s career explodes.
10:57pm- The Ravens did not sprint to the podium with a pick for Jimmy Smith. I am surprised. We saw Drew Rosenhaus calm down the room for Jimmy Smith. Smith is not on the phone and he may be getting the shakes. Many consider that a concern.
11:01pm- The Ravens passed on the pick. Kansas City gets the pick in in time and will now select. Note to the Ravens: You do not want to do things that Vikings have done in the past in the draft, or today, for that matter.
11:03pm- I think we have to switch to the NFL Network next year, but I am afraid that there is no one there that loves everybody. Or a guy who has more hairspray than an episode of “Keeping Up with the Kardashians.” Or a guy who works only five days a year.
11:05pm- The Chiefs select Jonathan Baldwin out of Pittsburgh. The draft is now off the tracks. No one knows what is going on. Mel Kiper sort of likes the pick. I am just confused at this point.
11:07pm- The Ravens select Jimmy Smith and Ozzie Newsome has gotten his perfect pick for himself as usual. I am concerned for the well-being of Hack. Please send “well wishes” emails soon.
11:09pm- The Patriots trade their pick. The world is round. People argue about politics and religion. China is big.
11:10pm- The Saints are selecting Mark Ingram by trading back into the first round. We are excited. One thing is sure for the PolishguyPodcast; We can tell you what happens in the mid-20s, just nowhere else. The Bears are up now and I am very nervous. If the writing style changes at the end here, then I got angry and ran away. The change will be noticed when every other word is a swear word about Phil Taylor or Newsome getting a perfect pick. Mark Ingram’s emotion is refreshing.
11:17pm- The Bears pick is in. It is Gabe Carimi. Other than the fact that he is the future replacement for Roberto Garza in the NFL and they needed a guy who specialized in pass protection, I love it. Let’s just move on.
11:25pm- Wilkerson goes to the Jets at #30. We had the city right and it seems that Rex Ryan is a good coach for the draft. He seems to go for the best value. Two Eff-you picks in two years for the Jets. I can’t rip on this one. Thank God Gruden embellished a point for me about his wingspan. I guess he is good at grabbing rebounds.
11:26pm- The Steelers select Cameron Heyward. Ho-hum. Just another possible hybrid pass rusher toy for Dick Lebeau. Did you know that Heyward is the son of the late Ironhead Heyward? I learn something new every day.
11:34pm- No one thinks the Packers are taking a punter here. I guess things do not look good for the Bears next year at this point. Hey, guess what? We set a record for defensive linemen taken in the first round. I am glad it was mentioned for the 34th time in the last 8 minutes. The only thing that happened more often was “boos” for Goodell.
11:38pm- Derrick Sherrod is the pick to finish the first round. It is an Eff-You pick better than what we had. Bowers is the biggest name not picked today. Word has it that his medical report came back with an 84% chance of future “Odenitis.”
How did we do this year? We got 26 of the 32 players right, 6 exact picks right (down from 11) and then 8 more correctly picked positions.