2012 NFL DRAFT TIME-STAMP ARTICLE
It’s the night truly about luck. It’s not just about the Stanford quarterback that is soon to be taken by the temporarily re-named Indianoplace Colts; but about the luck every other team will have over the next five years. It is also the time of year I re-visit one of my favorite articles; the NFL Draft time-stamp article. It happens, I write it, I quickly edit it and turn it in.
This year, as usual, Hack is here to end up hating what the Browns do and so I can get a few lines in about his reactions. Also here is New Orleans Saints Head Coach Sean Payton because, well, he has nothing to do. (He’s not here, but he could be). We’re talking about his time as Chicago Bears quarterback and whether or not Mickey Loomis might be listening to us right now. Things seem calm... other than that black Crown Victoria that seems to be driving by my house every four minutes. The give-away as to who it is is the huge “NFL” logo on the hood of the car. It’s the NFL: secretive, yet marketable!
Of course, we are treated with the crew of ESPN again this year, but not for the entertainment purposes that Mel Kiper’s hair provides, but because the Polishguy moved from Polishguy Grounds to Polishguy Manor. The new abode does not provide any cable service other than Time Warner and Time Warner does not provide the NFL Network. I have no choice. Alright, let’s have some fun....
7:16pm- The first trade has happened about an hour before the official start of the draft. The Browns trade up to the three spot and give up a 4th, 5th and a 7th to do it. I am very curious on how the Vikings sold this one. Maybe Tampa wanted to trade up for Richardson and Cleveland had to block it. Maybe Leslie Frazier is laughing right now.
7:56pm- We’ve tuned in. We see excellent highlights of Luck handing off. Gruden loves it. We are waiting for him to be mildly excited at some time.
7:58pm- Berman’s ego just screamed for no reason.
8:00pm- Gary Clark Jr. and Ray Lewis open the show. I am not sure how I feel about this. None of these guys play guitar like Clark Jr. I feel this is setting the bar too high for some of these prospects.
8:03pm- Darth Goodell gets slightly less boos than last year.
8:05pm- The Colts select Ryan Leaf even though there is a warrant out for his arrest. They just wanted to correct that whole Peyton Manning mistake. Just kidding, it is Andrew Luck. I mean, did he even need the cell phone? Couldn’t he just have walked on the stage after Goodell finished? How many weeks were they sure of it? Luck even got handed a “12” jersey instead of the typical “1.” It takes four weeks to sew on each of the numbers.
8:13pm- Redskins fans are excited that Andre 3000 is their new quarterback. It’s a really bad move. Andre 3000 peaked in 2001. His beard is trimmed nicely, though.
8:15pm- Wow, even Kiper made the mistake of comparing Griffin to Newton. Great job. He’s only 3 inches and 30 pounds lighter than Newton. Kiper likes the way he moves and the color of his socks. I never said Andre 3000 was not stylish.
8:20pm- Browns select Trent Richardson. I hope those aren’t his kids. They look 8 years old. This guy may be 28.
8:25pm- Gruden just said “Maurice” Claiborne. I’m thinking he may not know the names of the corners, but he knows the favorite book of every quarterback available in this draft.
8:27pm- Vikings select Matt Khalil. I’ll just say this to everyone. I was right; ignore crap two days before the draft. They wanted him the whole time and got three extra picks with a nice sales job. Unfortunately, the Vikings will be playing in a parking lot soon. Other than not having a stadium, they’re fine. If they end up in LA, Norwegians better learn how to tan.
8:32pm- The Jags select Justin Blackmon. They have blocked the Rams from getting him and now the Rams have traded the 6 pick to Dallas. This draft would be fast and furious without the 5 minute ESPN dog and pony show after every pick.
8:34pm- The trade meter is already up to 4 and only 5 players have been picked. This is crazier than a night with Charlie Sheen, Mike Tyson and 1990s Robert Downey Jr.
8:36pm- Ed Werder is in Dallas. Also, the Kardashians made the tabloids today.
8:37pm- The Cowboys select Morris Claiborne. Jerry definitely goes all in and now has Carr and Claiborne in the secondary. Interestingly, Claiborne’s pick number is just slightly higher than his Wonderlic score. Clearly, he is unaware of this fact. He is unaware of many facts.
8:42pm- Gruden just called him Clayburn. Someone get him some coffee and Ryan Tannehill. He is in QB withdrawal.
8:44pm- The Bucs select Mark Barron, S, Alabama. Gruden calls him “Red Barron.” He must have gone to Berman’s School of Bad Puns during the draft off-season.
8:47pm- The Dolphins have their pick in. We want to laugh. Please be Tannehill…….
8:49pm- IT’S TANNEHILL! This is why the team should never listen to the fans. Tannehill was 55th in passing efficiency in 2011. He was 11 spots behind Cody Fajardo. ESPN struggled to find highlights of him NOT throwing across his body. He also has no receivers to throw to.
8:53pm- The “Insider Alerts” on the broadcast are as laughable as the last pick. The last one showed that the Rams have three 2nd rounders now. That involves counting, not research or a few well-placed calls. I wouldn’t call that “Insider.”
8:55pm- Smart pick by the Panthers to take Kuechly. Let’s hope he does not have the same injury problems Dan Morgan did. Seriously. Talented player with a bright future. Had about 6 million tackles in college.
8:57pm- ESPN is proving right now that you do not want the #3 quarterback in a draft. Anyone need a reminder of who that is this year?
8:58pm- Bills are up. Stephon Gilmore is the pick. They must have been one of the teams who had him as their #1 corner. This is the biggest curveball of the draft so far.
9:03pm- Chiefs select Dontari Poe. The Podcast nailed one again. Apparently, only quarterbacks and guys with dreads can be picked in this year’s first round. This is bad for Reilly Reiff. Kiper is mentioning money might make him want to play good football. But, he played in college, right?
9:10pm- Kind of surprised the NFL is allowing commercials to run that have Saints highlights in them.
9:11pm- The Eagles trade up and select Fletcher Cox. Not much to say about this pick except now it seems that the Rams have missed on their player twice in the first 13 picks. Of course, a big receiver is still on the board. Nice drama right now.
9:14pm- Of course, we’re mad because we can’t make the “Rams + Cox= What a Package” joke. Well, we did it anyway.
9:18pm- The Cardinals select Michael Floyd out of Notre Dame. All the lobbying from the team’s best player paid off. Plus, if the new receiver drives off the road, he’s likely to hit sand. So, that’s good.
9:23pm- Will Smith has to go back in time to save the planet this summer. I swear going to the MIB well has nothing to do with his lack of recent roles.
9:27pm- Rams select Michael Brockers. Since when did this draft get so predictable? Jeff Fisher type of pick here with the receivers gone. They can still get that position later. Not sure how much he helps the pass rush other than giving some support to Long.
9:30pm- Seahawks have their mystery pick in. It is Bruce Irvin, OLB, out of West Virginia. We now know why Seattle wasn’t worried about their guy getting taken. He is a pure pass rusher. He’s been in jail for robbery and dropped out of high school. I predict a future as the best new-age grunge talent in Seattle. FWIW, situational pass rusher Mark Anderson was a 5th round pick.
9:36pm- Amazingly, we just heard Tebow’s name for the first time tonight. All those people playing draft drinking games went ahead and chugged the bottle anyway after that last pick.
9:39pm- And the Jets take Coples with Upshaw and Ingram on the board. It is pretty interesting what the Jets are doing. Concern areas are: “Inconsistent effort, disappears for stretches and stays blocked.” So, um, about this draft. It looks like the GMs stopped their draft boards at #12 like we should have.
9:42pm- I’m thinking a workout room shown before the commercial breaks with the red walls and flashing lights would not let me concentrate too well on my workout. I hope they did not do the combine in that room.
9:46pm- The Bengals select Dre Kirkpatrick. They went with need over a luxury pick and we finally nail a positional pick. Cincy fans will like his size. If Whoopi Goldberg passes on, he can help host “The View” in her absence. People only can see her hair anyway.
9:52pm- Chargers pick is in. It’s Melvin Ingram. Apparently, WR and QB are not the only two positions the NFL does not trust from Steve Spurrier.
9:53pm- Bears are up. I am trying to not get angry yet…..
9:55pm- Pick is in. I said I did not want Wright or Mercilus. Let’s see….
9:57pm- Again, great stats by ESPN. Bears were 7-3 with Cutler and 1-5 without. What inside knowledge.
9:59pm- With a LT on the board and the guy they “loved” on the board; the Bears select a OLB/DE right after they sign Geno Hayes. We’re going to have to pretend this did not happen. This hybrid DE thing never works. McClellin is a guy I like, but he is not Terrell Suggs. This thing has me wishing it was Mercilus. A decent OLB/DE hybrid is around everywhere in this draft. Actual truth: I recently bought a puppy and named her Shea. This pick makes me want to sell her.
10:02pm- Pats trade up to #21. Interesting. Shefter announcing it is Chandler Jones. We will see.
10:06pm- Titans select Wright. Podcast nailed the pick. I feel a tiny bit better. Wait, no I don’t.
10:10pm- Pats pick is in. It is Chandler Jones. Pats get the guy they wanted. Props to Shefty for being right again. Maybe Bill Belichick is bored with football altogether and wants to start a MMA career. I think he is younger than Randy Couture.
10:12pm- Browns take expletive, expletive, deleted, hat throw. Whoops, spelled that wrong. It’s Brandon Weeden. This is too high of a pick for him. We’re both pissed now.
10:15pm- Here comes the Armed Forces marketing ploy. Time for the hair report: Berman has “that can’t be from a human head” stuff from last year, Kiper used less shoe polish on the right scalp this year and Gruden seems to be thinning in the back himself.
10:17pm- Random draft note that everyone should never forget. Guards never go high. DeCastro is still there.
10:19pm- The next player to be felled by the Madden Curse, Megatron, selects the Reilly Reiff, a left tackle that allows the Lions to move Jeff Backus. He’s the perfect type of guy to block Shea McClellin.
10:20pm- Steelers waste no time. They take DeCastro for two straight years of the perfect interior offensive selections. The entire AFC North just cringed. This is why you don’t overdraft quarterbacks who were in one read offenses who would have been available at pick #37.
10:23pm- Pats trade up again. They select Dont’a Hightower. You have to think the Pats will use him in the perfect way. The Pats and Steelers will make the playoffs again. It seems like everyone is making smart picks right now… well, except for a couple teams who border a Great Lake.
10:28pm- I guess Wade Phillips has a clause in his contract that the Texans have to take defensive players in the first round. Of course, they have to figure out how to use Whitney Mercilus. Gruden had no problems using the word “mercy” right after a Berman “merciless” pun. This is getting pretty unbearable.
10:34pm- Bengals take care of the second of their three big needs with the guard here. Zeitler has good toughness and should be a good player for years to come. We can’t give ourselves credit on this, but we did have them take this position in the second round.
10:39pm- The Packers select Nick Perry. In true modern NFL fashion, the Packers pass rush will feature a billboard calling Matthews and Perry the “Trojan Men” paid for by Trojan brand condoms. Paradoxically, this move makes opposing quarterbacks feel more exposed and unsafe.
10:45pm- Vikings trade up to get the #29 pick. They select Harrison Smith out of Notre Dame. Not sure they needed to trade up for this one. The good news is that he only has to be better than Andrew Sendejo.
10:50pm- The Niners select AJ Jenkins. We understand that they needed a wide receiver but it seems like there was better prospects available. Michael Crabtree better get the message.
10:53pm- Trade count is now at nine (including the pre-draft RGIII deal). Hack guessed ten on the podcast. Bucs are the next team to trade up.
10:54pm- The Bucs select Doug Martin here. To jump ahead of the Giants when they did not have the juice to get Richardson earlier is not a surprise at this point. This move may prove that Vikings did have something in place before the Browns jumped to get Richardson.
11:00pm- Apparently, the Giants were ordered to use up the full ten minutes for the final pick because the teams finished a half hour faster this year.
11:02pm- I bite my thumb at Chris Berman. I was just going to make another Tom Coughlin always gets fired joke.
11:04pm- The pick is in. Some fans cheer. The Giants select David Wilson, RB, Virginia Tech. I guess they really, really felt like they needed another speed back who may have fumbling issues. Don’t they already have Ahmad Bradshaw? The Maras are now working on cloning devices. I mean, they could save a ton of money over time.
11:06pm- We’re done for the evening. The only thing more confusing than the plethora of trades was the crowd treating Darth Goodell like he was Vince McMahon. Maybe he is. Finally, word has it that another 450 veterans have sued the NFL in the last hour.
What do the tallies look like?
2010-11 exact picks, 4 positions, 24 players
2011-6 exact picks, 8 positions, 26 players
2012-Final: 6 exact picks, 5 positions, 24 players:
Despite the madness, we continue to hold our own on these things.
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