The first ever Polishguy Podcast Norman Chad-ish Time Stamp Writing
7:31: Is that Stuart Scott? Oh, no, that’s Gerald McCoy.
7:32 Mel’s forehead seems to finally winning the battle. It could be long term effects of too much gel.
7:34 Will Goodell suspend a fan in the audience?
7:35-Rams on the clock.
7:38-Tom Jackson says Bulger used to be all-right. I guess all right means “Two-Time Pro Bowler.”
7:40-Rams select Sam Bradford, QB. In all honesty, I question the first time he gets sacked on that shoulder.
7:41-Bradford looks a bit like Howdy Doody.
Lions are now on the clock. Stuart Scott may get picked. And Mike Williams just ate another sandwich.
7:47 Lions select Suh. Matt Millen is pissed that he never had it this easy. He tried to call in a pick for Dez Bryant.
7:54 Jon Gruden tried to call in this pick. Gruden calls in Gerald McCoy. Taking the place of McCoy for the draft; a crying Stuart Scott. Bucs accept Gruden’s pick.
Goodell has announced a fine of $5,000 for Gerald McCoy for having an un-sanctioned number as a DT.
8:00 Trent Silverback Williams is picked. Apparently, Michael Crichton is part owner of the Redskins.
Goodell checked the personal conduct policy and deemed the nickname responsible. Goodell decided that the original nickname of Trent “Greg Oden’s Cell Phone” Williams would have been a fineable offense.
8:09 Eric Berry is picked at five. Podcast picks are 5 for 5. It should go downhill from here. Everyone has made smart picks so far, and I do not just say that because the podcast is 5 for 5. Good thing the Raiders pick soon.
8:14 Pete Carroll tried to take Reggie Bush, but was told he was already drafted. He just tried to buy Goodell a SUV to get what he wants. Goodell announces a fine of $10,000 for bribery. The NCAA just said they saw nothing.
I just saw Russell Okung on the phone and it was corded. You can tell Okung did not play at USC.
8:17 Cleveland is on the clock. Mike Holmgren just announced retirement to run a fishing boat. Rumors are swirling that the Browns will select Thad Turner form Ohio University. They like that he was second team All-MAC and had leadership qualities. He once did a bong hit with Peter King.
8:25 The Browns take Joe Haden. The podcast made its first miss of the year. Joe Haden looks like an Avatar being. If he fails in the NFL, he can go back to his home world. Cleveland lets out a collective sigh. He may be a good corner if he gets his ears cropped by the vet.
8:30 Raiders pull the first “Yoink” of the evening. Rolando McClain gets picked and every single team between 11 and 15 are pissed. They really think that the defense now can out-score opposing offenses. The Bruce Gradkowski Show should allow the defense to try and prove it.
8:34 CJ Spiller is picked as the Bills have decided to run the T formation because Marv Levy is the only who knows how to run it. In the second round, they will pick Tebow. Podcast picks are out the window, but this is entertaining. It has just been announced that Marshawn Lynch has been fined for trying to sell Spiller weed over the phone. Levy ripped the phone away and ratted him out.
8:40 Jags just selected Aluala from Cal. Most of the other teams are laughing. Gruden’s face is very red. He either killed a co-ed during the break or is mad that he cannot actually coach any of the QBs he had on his ESPN special. Hack announces his nickname as Aluala the Slender. I accept.
8:43 First trade of the night comes about five spots after a lot of people had it. After McClain was gone, Josh McDaniels angrily threw his bottle on the floor. San Fran is supposed to take a corner here, but after the last four moves, I am convinced that Singletary will pick himself. Or it might be Gary Fencik.
8:46 Anthony Davis is picked. The room settled down a bit. Podcast selected Bulaga for them at 17, so we got the position right.
8:48 The Chargers trade up for reasons unknown. It may be to announce that Shawne Merriman will actually retire to become a firefighter. San Diego is happy.
8:52 Chargers select Ryan Matthews 16 spots ahead of when we had him. Other than the fact that no one really wanted a RB, it is a good pick. Perhaps Norv Turner can now have 4 bad draft points in his regime. Not even Wade Phillips has done that yet. They could still be tied by the end of the night, though.
8:54 Philly trades up as we thought. They should take Earl Thomas but with the way this has gone they may take Danny DeVito.
8:59 Eagles take Brandon Graham. Every Ohio State Alum and current student hates him. It is a smart pick for Philly except for the fact that they allowed a ton of TD passes when they blitzed, as stated by ESPN. Eagles are hoping for new rule to allow for a 12th defender on passing downs.
9:07 Seahawks take Earl Thomas. This is a classic solid pick. Jon Gruden may want to make out with him. It’s either him or Pete Carroll. Seahawks are fined by Goodell $25,000 for making two smart picks in the first round, thus subtracting from the entertainment value of the broadcast. This conduct is deemed unbecoming of a new NFL regime and is in violation of policy.
9:11 Coming back from commercial, it shows the Giants on the clock and Jim Sorgi is listed as a key arrival. Apparently clipboard holding was a team deficiency last year. Several cups of coffee were also dropped last season. Never thought I would hear about David Carr dropping things. NFL is now investigating tampering charges between Peyton and Eli Manning.
9:17 Giants take Jason Pierre-Paul. Gruden also calls him JPP proving that he cannot just kill co-eds and collect quarterbacks, he can also yell out obvious nicknames.
9:23 As LeBron fans, we check into the Cavs-Bulls game. Chicago fans are at game because Bears don’t pick until 2012. Bulls are up four and LeBron has scored 32.
9:24 While we were away, the Titans selected Derrick Morgan. This is another smart value pick. The draft is getting boring and predictable. Goodell is about to plan a David Stern draft lottery move and switch envelopes.
9:26 Mike Iupati is picked and the Niners have picked two linemen. Steve Young has just been taken to the doctor for a concussion-like injury. Goodell is preparing the rigged envelope. Two million fantasy football players are already bragging about getting Frank Gore in the second round.
9:30 Steelers pick Pouncey and podcast is right on a pick again. In a cute move, a kid from Make-A-Wish makes the pick. Too bad this move was planned in the last 24 hours to help the franchise look better. In other news, Ben Roethlisberger is announced as missing. Dan Rooney may be personally burying the body.
9:33 Atlanta takes Sean Weatherspoon ten spots too early. They actually missed Keith Brooking.
9:40 Houston does not sprint to the podium despite Kyle Wilson being available. The Polishguy Podcast contingent is confused. They take Kareem Jackson. With Kyle Wilson falling a slight bit, Rex Ryan can still flick off the league. Goodell has telepathically fined Ryan $10,000 for his thoughts.
9:42 Bengals select quickly. Palmer needs a weapon and a new knee. He is going to have to settle for the tight end that the podcast predicted-Jermaine Gresham.
9:45 Patriots trade with the Broncos to collect more picks as usual. Belichick can now select even more mediocre players that have not panned out so far. At least he will have 13 of them.
9:47 Broncos select Demaryius Thomas. The Podcast had him going to the Broncos at 45, but 22
picks ahead of that is okay, too. As long as the podcast is right, everything is right in the world. Josh McDaniels can have his final bottle of the night and can go to bed. It will be a shame when Josh finds out that Thomas only runs go routes.
Ed Werder tells us that McDaniels liked Thomas because he reminded him of Brandon Marshall. If this sounds weird, it is because even Steve Young and his head injury noticed the comment. So the Broncos picked a guy who reminds them of a guy they already had. Ummmm…..
9:53 Packers select Bulaga from Iowa. This is another good value pick. I’m angry.
9:58 My dog has big ears. Hack mentions that she looks like Joe Haden. He might not be happy about the Browns pick. The other clue is that he is putting bamboo straws underneath his fingernails.
10:00 Dallas trades up to select Dez Bryant. Roy Williams’ and Dez’s personalities won’t clash at all, I’m sure. Goodell announces suspension of Dez Bryant for 4 games just to get it out of the way. New England can select a 14th mediocre player.
10:07 Broncos traded up in get back in the first round. They pick Tebow! Somehow Tebow is the second best passer in this draft. I think he can replace Peyton Hillis at fullback. Each of the last two Notre Dame quarterbacks are both pissed. Claussen thinks he should have sold that “went to a Catholic School” thing in interviews instead of the “I’m an a-hole” route. There is a 50/50 shot that this is the switched envelope pick.
Also, Tebow is just one state south from one perfect for him to start his cult.
With all the trades, we have lost track of who is picking. We hope ESPN is right.
10:19 Arizona selects Dan Williams. Chalk another up for the podcast.
10:26 The Patriots try and select a defensive back for the future….again. I had to give Hack smelling salts.
10:30 Miami is on the clock. We don’t think Parcells is trying to trade with the Cowboys. Someone mentioned Quincy Carter as a joke. A nameless Dolphins coach is taken out via stretcher. In another office, Jerry Jones is advised to stop drinking.
Parcells selects the next Leonard Marshall in the name of Jared Odrick. This is another smart pick. Jerry Jones is given another shot in hopes that he will wonder onto the stage.
10:34 ESPN goes to commercial. We try and name as many Jet draft busts as possible while at commercial. Brady, O’Brien, McNeil, Thomas, Neagle, Gholston, Thomas, Marvin Jones, ….
10:39 Jets select Kyle Wilson. The Jets Eff-you moment happens and officially becomes the greatest Polishguy Podcast prediction ever! We decide that Rex Ryan is awesome.
10:41 Minnesota is on the clock. A quarterback is mentioned by Adam Shefter. Turns out we were right with the joke about Tebow to the Bills. Amazing! They might have actually planned to run the T formation. Steve Young is talking like he wants to play for the Vikings this year.
Tom Jackson is clearly uncomfortable. Kiper has less hair than he did at 7:30.
With all first round grade defensive backs gone, Lions trade up with the Vikings.
10:47 Matt Millen is kicked out of the Lions war room holding an envelope holding the name of wide receiver Damian Williams. Mike Williams just had a donut. Charles Rogers is dreaming of a conjugal visit…or just some drugs.
10:49 Lions select Jahvid Best. Now they can have two running backs who only play 8 games each due to injury. So I guess that gives them 16 total games now. Plans may be remove Smith’s head from his body and put it on Best’s so they can have Kevid Bith, a running back with no injury history.
10:53 Two picks left. We are both only semi-conscious at this point. Drafts during the day are much better. We hear Gruden making a joke about a “dumbass” and Kiper laughs hysterically. Don’t think we were supposed to hear that. Everyone seems to be thinking up excuses for Steve Young to not to be on the set tomorrow.
10:56 Colts select a hybrid player in Jerry Hughes from TCU. He is a good fit for the system. Since Peyton Manning has reached Godfather status, Goodell announces that Jim Sorgi tampered with himself and is fined $2 billion dollars.
11:01 Hurricane Katrina and the Saints are mentioned in the same sentence for the 2,456,738,392nd time. Drew Brees is a good guy. Sean Payton is smart.
It should be mentioned that Kiper’s 4th overall player is still on the board.
11:04 Drew Brees comes on the stage to make the pick for the Saints. Brees announces to the world he is on the cover of Madden. Don’t be surprised if he hurts his knee walking off the stage. Patrick Robinson is picked to end the first round. Hack is asleep.
POLISHGUY PODCAST SUMMARY
-Of the thirty-two players picked in the first round, we had 24 of them right.
-Eleven of 32 picks were picked exactly correct with the team, including six of the first six.
-Of the missed picks, we had the position right on four more occasions.
-We had Mike Iupati picked before the Giants pick.
-We had the Eagles trading up.
-Overall, not a bad performance, we think.
ON TO ROUND 2